(no subject)

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

[There are several lines of false starts, all scribbled out]

To robot-type people and anyone else with a lot of patience,

Will someone please give our great leader Lugnut some coherent, useful explanation of what happens when two mechs like each other very much and so on? I'm running out of ideas and I'd really like people to stop mocking to have one of Megatron's finest have all necessary information for dealing with our current situation.

Will pay in goods or services (at a reasonable rate) and my eternal gratitude for anyone who can do this.

[The above is later edited to correct Lugnut's status.]

Comments

[scarletspeedstr.livejournal.com]

Dear Lugnut,

When two mechs like each other very much, they get together and do some very special, intimate things together, then if they're lucky or didn't use protection then they get a baby mech.

And that's where babies come from.

I think anyway. For all I know about you guys, you could just have to buy a kit from the store or something.

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

No, babies come from factories, specialized builder individuals or groups, or if you're really unlucky, budding.

Also I already tried this one.

[scarletspeedstr.livejournal.com]

...then why does he need to know? Or are you just after someone to explain romance to him?

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

I tried it, that doesn't mean he understood it. And yeah, romance and physical attraction. He's practically a Megatron fetishist -- not that that's a bad thing, I'm on good terms with a few Megatron fetishists -- but doesn't get the physical bits.

[scarletspeedstr.livejournal.com]

I'm confused, if you guys don't work that way, then why does he need to get the 'physical bits'?

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

Not those kind of...aagh. Just something so he gets why everyone keeps making jokes about nailing Starscream in a way that does not involve actual nails.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

I can help with that!

Just let me know where to find the guy and I'll give him the whole deal. With pictures if I can. Or maybe just demonstrations. Know anyone who'd provide a hands-on demo?

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

I said robot, not human. He can't even stand eating, I don't think he's going to let anyone have actual sex with him.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

From what I hear all you guys are human now, so why does it matter what I am? Or used to be or whatever.

Well, he could just watch. I can find someone to help me demonstrate. I hear showing is lot better when you want to teach someone something than just telling them.

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

...you know what? Feel free to try and seduce him, I'm sure it'll end very well.

[usual awkward writing]

[runner-up-robot.livejournal.com]

You're the only decepticon I've seen worried about that, let alone any other robots. I just ignore the organics when they go on about that stuff. I was built by organics and I don't want to hear any more about that. Maybe you're just weird.

Besides, what makes you think he wants to know? Last I checked he refused to eat out of pride, even when it cost him his ability to function. From what has been said about that, it hardly sounds like a biological necessity.

- Forte

Re: [usual awkward writing]

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

[In smaller writing]

I don't care if he actually knows it, I just want him to stop talking about it. People keep laughing at him and I don't want him taking it out on me.

Re: [usual awkward writing]

[runner-up-robot.livejournal.com]

He's not the one always talking about it

He thinks Megatron is the best person in the world, and does everything for Megatron, so since he loves Megatron so much they must be he's having people start talking about touch physic sex

He thinks Starscream is the scum of the galaxy and wants him to die more than anything else, for trying to kill Megatron, so since he hates Starscream so much, people start talking about sex

He has a working partnership with Blitzwing, so since he doesn't hate or love him as much Starscream or Megatron, people start talking about sex

Did I mention I hate people?

If he hates being laughed at so much, he should just find those people and shut them up, or shut up himself

Re: [usual awkward writing]

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

At least if someone tells him he'll know why they're doing it so he'll do it less and then I won't presumably get beaten when he can't find all of them to kill them.

I'm desperate, okay?

[whiny-egomaniac.livejournal.com]

LUGNUT?

Our LEADER? Has your central processor malfunctioned?

I am the leader of the Decepticons, not that pitiful excuse for a Cybertronian. He lacks even Skywarp's mental faculties, and that's saying something.

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

Highest ranking Decepticon in absence of commander = leader. You were stripped of your rank after...a certain unfortunate incident, so you don't count.

Didn't you hear? Loyalty's the new fashion trend for seconds this year. Try it sometime.

[whiny-egomaniac.livejournal.com]

I was taken from my time soon befo after Megatron was dumped out of Astrotrain and I was appointed leader through the time-honored Decepticon tradition of a free-for-all slag-fest until one was left standing. That one was me. It matters not when YOU were abducted; I was taken as leader, and thus I AM leader.

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

Oh, really.

So, when do you plan on meeting Lugnut for a one-on-one? Not too soon, please, I want time to take bets.

[whiny-egomaniac.livejournal.com]

When I am properly able to show my authority. As a Decepticon, you must know that it is the one with the greater firepower and influence that will win the day. These scrawny flesh-creature synthoid bodies are insufficient for the kind of tactics necessary.

[Lugnut: O| *At a loss for words*]

[hailmegatron.livejournal.com]

... BLITZWING IS (CURRENTLY) OUR ACTING COMMANDER, FOR YOUR INFORMATION.

Re: [Lugnut: O| *At a loss for words*]

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

...oh.

Sorry, it's hard to tell. I'm used to the most forceful guy leading.

Re: [Lugnut: O| *At a loss for words*]

[ruthless-hunter.livejournal.com]

Between you and me, I don't think Lugnut has the cranial capacity to make an efficiant leader, based on our past encounters.

Plus, Blitzwing was the one who hired me for one of my most recent jobs before ending up in this Pit-hole.

[Suck up subroutine: initiated]

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

Hey, Lugnut is a very clever and devoted Decepticon, and he would make a fine leader if he wanted to be one.

Re: [Suck up subroutine: initiated]

[ruthless-hunter.livejournal.com]

Yeah, whatever.

[Here, have a 'Con who doesn't like meaningless praise. XD ]

[hailmegatron.livejournal.com]

... YOU ARE A COWARD, AREN'T YOU?

DON'T.

[Scourge feels oppressed.]

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

[Bit of irritated scribbling in the upper corner of the paper]

I can't win, can I?

[hailmegatron.livejournal.com]

MEANINGLESS PRAISE IS WORTHLESS, AND INSINCERELY SWEET WORDS INSUBSTANTIAL. RAINING BOTH UPON SOMEONE YOU HARDLY KNOW IS A COWARD'S MOVE.

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

Seems a lot better to flatter someone you don't know than insult them. I like living.

[hailmegatron.livejournal.com]

SILENCE, BOUNTY HUNTER.

A TASK YOU FAILED.

[ruthless-hunter.livejournal.com]

For your informatoin, I would have succeeded, if that old relic had not gotten lucky.

[hailmegatron.livejournal.com]

THAT "OLD RELIC" CAN HARDLY FIGHT. BLITZWING HAS EASILY DISABLED HIM, AS HAVE I. YOUR EXCUSE HAS NO MERIT.

[ruthless-hunter.livejournal.com]

Like I keep telling you and Blitzwing, he got lucky. Had I known that he was EMP-immune, he would have gone down with the other Autobots.

[hailmegatron.livejournal.com]

AND WHOSE FAULT WAS IT THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

[ruthless-hunter.livejournal.com]

Well

You see

You know, I'm starting to think that aligning myself with Starscream is the best course of action during my stay here, since you feel the need to demean me every three astroseconds.

Re: [Lugnut: O| *At a loss for words*]

[whiny-egomaniac.livejournal.com]

And a much better choi

[lossofface.livejournal.com]

Finally, some proper recognition. Does this mean you'll stop challenging my authority now?

Scourge...Would telling you it's a lost cause make you STOP already? It's bad enough the humans won't shut up about it...

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

I'm stopped, I'm stopped.

[hailmegatron.livejournal.com]

CURRENTLY. I MAKE NO PROMISES FOR THE FUTURE.

[lossofface.livejournal.com]

Stubborn.