damned_bulletin | [no attempt to disguise the handwriting at all]

I don't know if I can afford your help this time, Arty.

[hesitation marks]

I understand, I suppose.

Apparently the only person I'm supposed to rely on is the one who can't offer me any help at all.

Thanks for the offer.

Can I please hit him?

That might cheer me up, actually...

I don't know how far I'd get, but I could certainly try. I'm about stomach-level, so a good sock to the solar-plexus might do me some good.

...my syntax is a little weird.

Just thinking about how he's deprived me of the chance to comfort you when you recently rescued me makes me unthinkably aggravated. I've never thought of resorting to physical violence...

Maybe that will make it all the more unpredictable.

I wish I could let you; I feel like I could use it.

But he's the last person I can afford to let think that I've gone soft - that I'm less than what he demands of Schwarz. I can't afford to let it be true, either.

I have no idea why you're letting him force you into forsaking the softer, more gentle sorts of affection--especially since you and Yohji engage in those sorts of things all the time. And now I can't hug you. Not because your Institute-wide reputation may be harmed (because you've already complained about that and done nothing to avoid it), but because of one person who you punched in the face when he arrived here. I would think you would care less about what he thought, based on that reaction to his renewed arrival.

But if you want to go off and 'be all you can be' without any sort of affectionate contact, then fine. Next time when I'm upset, when I've lost someone I care about, you won't be able to touch me or comfort me either. Let's see how you'll like it, feeling powerless to help.

Because his respect I can't afford to lose. His standards are Schwarz' standards, and to fail to meet them is to not be Schwarz. And being Schwarz is the only thing I've ever chosen to be. I can disagree with the standards, and try to get him to change them, but I can't simply ignore them. I might as well tell you to stop caring about what Haku thinks.

Doubly punishing me, now? That'll learn me.

There are things that Haku does that I do not approve of, and I tell him as much. And if Haku told me that I wasn't allowed to ever touch anyone but him, because he didn't approve, I wouldn't just accept that without question, or bend to something I didn't agree with hoping he'd change his mind.

But I do understand your desire to keep his respect and maintain your status as Schwarz. I only wish that you wouldn't put so much stock in his standards, and believe more in your own.

How is it a double punishment?

I'm not bowing to his demands, Arty. It's a matter of pride. I want to meet Schwarz standards, as a rule, but the idea of being thought weak is an insult no matter who the source is - the fact that it's someone who knows me well, and by whose standards Schwarz is judged, just means it's impossible to ignore. I'm not weak, and I don't need support no matter what he thinks. I may want it, but I can go without if it means I'd have to sacrifice respect to get it.

I don't have any standards, Arty. Don't you know me better than that by now?

It's a double punishment because it means that first I have to fall apart, and then I have to bear witness to your falling apart. The shock of one building collapsing can topple others.

[no attempt to disguise the handwriting at all]

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[Gnommish, borrowed from Arty's brain]

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