damned_bulletin | (no subject)

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armand

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To All Residents,

I'm looking to find a particular sort of person for some ongoing work during the nights. What I am seeking are men and women who know how to handle themselves in a fight but are smart and resourceful as well. They must play well enough with others to consider looking after a less fighting-capable person. I have a few opportunities today to speak to anyone who is interested. This need not be a full time commitment, if you're interested, but I would need to know where you stood.

-Armand St. Just

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Killing time is not my intention. My goals are not so selfish. I would rather my life be spent trying to help someone else.

Blah blah blah. So let me guess, you're the good guy and I'm the villain?

You're only a villain if you add yourself to the predators already trying to destroy us here. I merely call you selfish.

Everyone's selfish. I just don't lie about who and what I am.

And I don't lie. At all.

I cannot claim to be unselfish, but I know what I try to do. If I fail, that is my weakness, not what you've been saying.

It's okay to fail to something stronger than you, so long as you had fun doing it. You self-righteous types are all the same. You never lie to anyone but yourself.

I may be capable of lying to myself in thought, but I mean what I say about how truthful I am in speech and writing. I cannot lie. Make of that what you will.

What does fun have to do with anything?

Why can't you lie?

Fun has to do with everything. If you don't enjoy what you do, you're an idiot.

Something was done to me here.

Like what?

I was taken from my room during dinner one night to somewhere upstairs, the second floor. A woman, claiming to be a doctor, injected a liquid into me, perhaps a drug of some kind. Since then, I simply can't get the words out unless they are the truth so far as I know it to be. It is uncomfortable to try. Even answering to the false name the nurses give me here is a problem. Please don't ask me anymore personal questions.

What are you afraid of? There ain't nothing wrong with telling nothing but the truth. It makes you more yourself than most of the people in the world.

I am afraid of people asking awkward questions. There are some things a man would wish to keep private. My life has been far from perfect. I would rather people know and value me for what I am doing now. Not what I was.

Waaaah. Why do you give a crap what people think about you?

A man's honor is intrinsically linked to his reputation. I am trying to repair both to the point that I can stand up with pride.

Oh great, one of those freaks obsessed with honor.

There's no honor on the streets, kid. Only the fight to survive.

You'll find that I am not alone in that here. And brutal as life is here, it is not the streets.

And every single one of them's obsessed with what they look like, not who they are. Appearances don't count for shit, because those drop the moment things get rough. You can always see what somebody looks like when they're about to die.

I hope that should I die, it will be bravely, and for someone else.

You can hope all you want. How you die is more important than how you want to die.

I can't predict that, can I? I will have to live with my hope, and so shall you.

Who you are'll tell ya how you're gonna die.

Who you wanna be'll tell ya how you 'hope' to die.

You won't know the method, but the way you react? That's what I'm talking about.

I've faced death before. Tis a quiet thing, and I don't think I'm brave enough to look it in the eye.

Then how can you hope to be the noble whatever when you die?

I can hope, because I'm always changing. The only way to be what one dreams of is to keep trying for it. If I die today or tomorrow, I'll have to settle for not whinging about it too much along the way. If I die a decade from now, I think it will be different.