(no subject)

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

The notice reads -

Free Immunisation Clinic

It has come to our attention that an unacceptable number of easily avoidable injuries have been caused by the threat commonly known as virgin-eating birds. It light of this serious problem, we have opened a free clinic offering immunisations to any and all residents against the threat posed by this menace.

We offer the best, cutting-edge treatments to prevent this threat and guarantee the privacy of all our patients.
If you believe you may be at risk, come to room M1 and ask for Superboy.

Our staff will be happy to answer any and all questions you may have regarding this threat and it’s prevention.
No appointment necessary, however it is preferred.

This is a serious threat but if we all work together we can make sure no more lives are ruined.
Remember, prevention is always better than cure!


The clinic has a number of vacancies available for any interested parties. If you believe you can help us prevent further injuries from occurring please leave your details here and we will be in contact with you shortly.

Comments

[fuzzy-diablo.livejournal.com]

DON'T PUT OUR ROOM NUMBER ON THIS!

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

But how else will they know where to come?

[forgot-it-all.livejournal.com]

You have got to be kidding.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

No, it's very important that we help these people! They're in great danger!

[see-my-back.livejournal.com]

[several hesitation and scratch marks on the paper before answering]

Are you really that desperate Superboy?

Seriously though, wouldn't it be better to just wipe out the birds instead? I'll volunteer for that, but there's no way in hell I'm signing up for the immunization.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

I'm not desperate!

I just want to help people, how is that a bad thing? Wiping out all the birds will be too hard under the current conditions. This is much more efficient.

[clockmongler.livejournal.com]

Dear lord, the boy is as bad as ZEX.

I admit, I laughed.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Does that mean you want to help out babe? We'll accept anyone within reason.

[Anonymous, randomly switching writing styles every few words]

[mind-the-sukima.livejournal.com]

Good to see someone's dealing with the problems most important here! It seems you've taken my warning to heart. I'll be rooting for you!

[Extremely proud of having contributed to this disaster, no matter how horrified her mun is]

Re: [Anonymous, randomly switching writing styles every few words]

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

It is a very serious problem, isn't it? I'm surprised no else has tried to deal with it. Though I'm not sure what you mean by your 'warning'.

You don't wanna help out babe?

[It is all because of her. Be proud! Or horrified. Whatever works.]

[mayomanoflove.livejournal.com]

A clinic for virgins?

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Yup! Interested? We aim to help everyone.

[revolutionise]

This is Are you serio Wouldn't that involve

Are there really virgin-eating birds around here? I saw virgin-eaters on the monster list, but I wasn't sure if that was supposed to be literal or not.

Either way, I don't think anyone's going to be up for this kind of [marks on paper where pen hesitated] treatment.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Yeah, from what I've been told it's a very real threat.

Why not? It's the best way to overcome the problem. It's quick, efficient and guaranteed to be safe. I'm not saying I'm their only option, I just want to help people get treated somehow.

[scarletspeedstr.livejournal.com]

Wait, there's birds that eat VIRGINS?! But... how did anyone find that one out? I mean, it can't exactly be easy to check...

So I guess you're just offering to sleep with people then... I suppose I can kinda see the point, if it's really like that, but I dunno if this is really a great idea. Seems like you're just pimping yourself out.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

I don't know how they found it out but it's been confirmed.

I'm trying to help people, geez! Why does everyone think that's a bad thing? Like I said to someone else, they don't have to do it with me, I'm happy to help them find someone else if that's what they prefer. Though, I am pretty super.

[wantsyourzex.livejournal.com]

So the flying creatures have a pattern of attack!

But what is a "virgin"?

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

A virgin is someone who's never had sex of any kind before.

[fear-attachment.livejournal.com]

Is this true? There are monsters that target virgins?

[clockmongler.livejournal.com]

Of course not. They're merely collecting the names of those who are out of pure curiosity.

[k4t4str0ph4l.livejournal.com]

You magnificent bastard.

You know, even I'm not this much of a slut. I don't know whether to be revolted or impressed.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm not sure whether I'm flattered or hurt, so we're square.

That mean you don't wanna help out babe?

[lady-general.livejournal.com]

How appalling.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

What is appalling?

[notachick.livejournal.com]

Well. That's certainly one way to go about it.

~Kaneyoshi

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Best way as far as I can tell!

You need treatment?

[remnantsofflame.livejournal.com]

This is not only disgusting, but pathetic.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Is everyone going to have this reaction? For the last time, I'm not forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to! I'm just giving them an option!

[violent-varmint.livejournal.com]

You know what, you do that. If this thing takes off, you'll be wishing you'd never made the offer within a week.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

No I won't. I have super-stamina.

[31st-of-china.livejournal.com]

[an arrow pointing to 'virgin-eating birds']

What the fuck are you talking about?

And why doesn't this idiocy surprise m e?

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Birds. That eat virgins. It's pretty simple.

I'm just trying to help people out. You need treatment babe?

[tsunagari.livejournal.com]

You're advertising sex?

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

No. I'm offering to help people at risk from a monster. It's a pretty simple idea.

[tightsofmight]

...What?

There are birds that eat virgins??
Why would you even

Okay, I get that you're trying to...'help' people, and that saving that sort of thing for relationships isn't everyone's bag. But seriously, this is your biggest concern? How hard would it be to just beat up a bird? Why not focus on, you know, leaving so you don't have to deal with the birds in the first place?

[I so knew this was going to happen eventually.]

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

It's not my only concern, no, but not everyone can fight off monsters. And this is more efficient that having to worry about whether or not they'll come after you.

...I think leaving might take a bit longer than I first thought.

[Well someone had to do it!]

[whos-da-man.livejournal.com]

Seriously? Virgin-eating birds? Shit.



I can't approve of you offering to help and all, dude, since I fear for my life from three very scary women, but you've got balls.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

That's what I thought when I heard.

Yeah? Can't say whether I envy or pity you, but thanks.

[bullygeneraleva.livejournal.com]

Have you considered that if you succeeded the birds would focus their attacks on children exclusively?

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Well, no... but they've got to be going after teenagers and kids already. There can't be that many little kids right? If we make everyone else safe then we only have to worry about 2 or 3 people. It makes the problem a lot more manageable.

[akarusa.livejournal.com]

[Handwriting not disguised--hi, Subaru!]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I've already been... immunized, thanks, but it's a nice offer. ;-)

[himetsuru.livejournal.com]

I don't like it being called that.

[handwriting decidedly blocky]

[stalksperverts.livejournal.com]

Please tell me you are old enough to be thinking of such things.

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Of course I am. If I didn't have experience myself I wouldn't be offering to help others, would I?

[strikethroughs mostly readable]

[adorkabledragon.livejournal.com]

You mean those things only attack virgins?! That makes a disturbing amount of sense, actually.

Uh...thanks for the offer, but I think I'll take my chances. No offense, but you're not exactly my "type."

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Well that answers whether or not you need treatment.

It doesn't have to be with me. I know not everyone is into guys or even me. I can help you hook up with someone who is your 'type', whatever that is. I know that can be intimidating for some people too.

[never-learns.livejournal.com]

And of course, you'll have considered minor points like pregnancy and STDs, yes? 'cause oddly, I haven't seen any contraceptives just lying around here, have you?

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

Dude, it's cool! Sex doesn't have to be penetrative, you know? Oral works just as well and is perfectly safe. There are plenty of safe options.

Though, for those who prefer the traditional approach, I do have condoms. Not many but I'll manage.

[haplesstracker.livejournal.com]

Virgin eating -- you know, I'm not even surprised anymore. I do know someone who could definitely use it, but I think he's not going to be interested.

(Cyclonus, if you're reading this, I would just like to say that I TOLD YOU SO to that whole 'important for the cause it'll come in handy one day' thing. So hah!)

[gottabetactile.livejournal.com]

I think I know the guy you mean. Not sure he's ready for full on treatment though. Probably start by giving him a demonstration first, see where that gets us.

What about you? Are you safe?